Monday, December 10, 2012

Things I Should've Said and Done a Long Time Ago



I was/am suppose to be writing my Philosophy paper right now, but clearly I’m not. But I ain’t even tripping. For the first time in awhile I spent a good 3-4 hours talking to someone that I actually care about, love, and respect very much about ALL the good and bad that has been going on in my life. And even though I got pretty sad talking to her about all the bad that has happened, in the end I was happy and relieved I took the time out to do that. Even as busy and stressed as I should be/am. She reminded me of how much I missed having a support system like her in my life, how much I needed someone like her I can trust and talk to, and most importantly? How much I miss being able to actually talk to someone for that long and that freely with no judgment and only my best interests at heart. Which is why I took the time out to write this lovely letter of a shit rant fest for everybody I love and care about to read.

Soo I just wanna say some things and get it off my chest while my mind is still focused, clear, and not the jumbled fucked up mess it usually is but.. I just want you guys to know that I know I’m not very forthcoming about myself and my life very much. And I know that I don’t ever talk about myself much nor share things with you guys as much as you guys do with me (trust breeds trust, and yadda yadda). And when I do talk about something, I’m either very vague and say useless shit or just mumble too quickly. And I’m sorry. I’m just very shy about myself and I’m just not very good at opening up and talking about me or my life. I’m just not a very open and expressive person and I don’t know. If there’s one thing I hate about myself more than my own apathy, it’s this. It’s just, for me being emotional/open is just really .. hard, strange, and awkward.

And I know I can also be very rude, snarky, immature, mean, inconsiderate, oblivious, anti-social, pushy, and overstep my boundaries sometimes, or well a lot of times. And I’m sorry about that too. And I know I say a lot of mean and rude shit that’s sometimes uncalled for and helluva out of line as well, and I’m super sorry about that. I never ever really mean it.  I’m either just being a huge raging asshole or lashing out because of some other stupid shit going on. And I hope you guys have gotten to know me well enough now to NEVER take me seriously when I say mean shit. I’m sure you guys have noticed by now but I’m obv. weird as fuck socially and personality wise as well.

But I’m trying to change all that. Call this my new quarter, new year, 2012 end of the fucking world, or whatever fucking bullshit resolution. But I’m gonna try and change and be a better person. Cause I’m tired of my stupid shit and I don’t even know why you guys deal with me. And I don’t want you guys to have to deal with any of my bullshit just because you were unlucky enough to have met and be stuck with me. :P

Soo.. I’m just letting you guys know now that if I start acting unusual, or well more so than usual, or if I start saying weird shit or not saying anything at all and being really quiet, I’m sorry. It’s nothing on you guys. It’s just me being fucking weird. Seeing as how we’re stuck together and what not.. I don’t want you guys to think I’m going serial killer psycho if/when I might start acting like two completely different people outta nowhere. I’m not going cray cray or have MPD I promise. I’m just trying to figure my shit out and put myself in a better place. Soo.. you guys just gotta deal with it, shietttt yo. Just kidding, I kid I kid. I just wanted to do this right and be honest doing it by telling you all this and letting you know.

I’m clearly having a very open and honest moment right now, but I also just wanted to say that even though it’s only been either a couple of months or years (depending on who you are), that I really do straight up genuinely care about you guys now (which is why I act as annoying as I do to you guys). And I mean that. As mean as I act to you guys now and in the future and as much as I will be denying this later and many more times later on. You guys are part of my family of friends now, and even if I’m not part of yours, I will always be here if you guys ever need anything or for someone to take care of you. I got your back and the only thing I ever really want from you guys is whatever’s best for you and for you to be happy.

This is my way of… acknowledging and thanking the people that have simply put, always been there for me; no matter how shitty I treated them, no matter how little effort I put into our relationship, they were still there for me. This is also my apology to them for how terribly I may have treated them and for not appreciating them enough. This is my promise that I will be better and I will try harder for them. 

I’m surprised this got as long as it did, and if you were actually able to read this entire thing word for word, thank you. It means something to me. If you’re someone of any relevance in my life, I want you to make sure I do as I say. I want you to make sure I’m actually make progress with my life and not just fuck up again.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

i. Letting me cook for you cause you know I love to. Cooking for me, cause you want too. And cooking with me, just cause you wanna spend time with me.ii. Letting me ‘steal’ your dress shirts/boxers cause you know I prefer sleeping in them, HAHA.

iii. Singing Cheap Trick’s I Want You To Want Me simply because I felt like being a rock star at 4AM. :D

iv. Understanding why I love The Cure’s Just Like Heaven, In Between Days, & Friday, I’m In Love, so freaking much.

v. Making me laugh hard enough to shed tears and hold my ribs in pain. :)

vi. Being able to understand me when I’m jibberjabbering away about things that don’t even make sense.

vii. Understanding my sarcasm, and being able to argue/tease me back.

viii. Being considerate and polite to everyone.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 2: Nine things about yourself.

i. I'm the meanest person you'll ever meet. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

ii. I lovee cooking for other people. :) It makes me so happy seeing someone enjoy something I spent my time and energy on.

iii. I don't really like going to huge parties and watching people get shit wasted, high, or fucking in a corner/bathroom, haha. I'd rather go to a small kickback with some good friends just talking and playing dumb ass games (OPERATION! hahaha) annnd occasionally getting a good buzz, but that's about it.

iv. I don't like it when people make small things a big deal. Don't make it more complicated than it actually is, goddd.

v. I like making people happy, and I sometimes go outta my way to make them smile or laugh.

vi. I hate rude and inconsiderate people. I'm not saying I'm the most considerate person ever, but .. I try to be most of the time.

vii. I rarely talk about my personal life. And when I do, it's usually to random people. And if people ask me about my life, I usually never give them straight answers.

viii. I like taking late night drives around the city, and just taking in street lights and whatnot. I like taking long walks during around sunrise time just to think. And I like staying up till 6-7AM just to catch the sunrise. :)

ix. I'm an introvert, haha. I'm not shy nor do I have issues socializing with people .. most of the time at least. It's just I like being on my own sometimes. And I like the silence and peace.

You see.. the thing about ending long term relationships (or actually, any serious relationship I guess) is that it haunts you. It mocks you actually, hahaha. Everything you do, everything you see, everything you hear, reminds you of what you once had. You look at other couples, you watch movies, you hear songs, etc. and you think 'hey, that's how we use to be.' And it's like a fucking never ending cycle. Once you start thinking about what once was, you think of all the good times, of all the bad times, and how you got together, and worst, how you ended. And all those memories, all those feelings, pain, happiness, regret, longing, it all crashes onto you at once. And than you have that moment. That damn moment of being vulnerable, being weak, being god damn alone. All those weeks spent emotionally and mentally strengthening yourself, and now, there's a crack in the wall you built up.

Now, I'm not saying I need a guy to make me happy. No, far from it. I AM able to find my own happiness. The difference is, there's happiness you discover and feel on your own. And then, there's the happiness you share with someone special. Someone you care about deeply. Yes yes, I have that with my friends. But what I mean, is THAT someone special yadigg? Something only the two of us can feel and understand. Where happiness wasn't your favorite flavor of ice cream or your favorite comedy movie or some other materialistic thing, it was just the simple feeling of being with someone else, who felt as content as you. And as corny as that may sound, that's how we were. And .. that's how I hope we will be.

/end Up induced rant, LOL.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

I. I’m happy you care, I really am. I’m just scared to let you know how much I really need you.

II. It’s not that I don’t trust you, quite the opposite. It’s just I don’t want you to get involved/hurt.

III. I know I tease you a lot and that I rarely compliment you for your achievements. And when I do, I’m sarcastic about it, but I really, truly, am proud of you. I know you’ll do great things in the future.

IV. You need me alot more than I need you. Stop it. I need space sometimes, a lot more than you.

V. I wish you would realized that you have so much more potential than just being the typical straight A-sian student.

VI. Stop fucking complaining. Don’t call ME fucking spoiled when you don’t do shit for anyone but yourself. And when you do things for others, you either only do it in return for something else, or you do it just to make yourself look better for someone else.

VII. Learn some social manners. The way you treat other people and your own family is annoying/infuriating as fuck.

VIII. I know you think how you tease me is cute and funny .. but it’s not. It’s annoying as fuck. There are days/weeks that go by, that I don’t even physically talk to you or look at you when you talk to me. And you still don’t get how much you annoy me sometimes? The only reason I don’t completely outright ignore you, is outta respect for her and manners.

IX. I know where I wanna go. And I know I can go. I just wish you would just let me go.

X. Somewhere along the line of always trying to make you happy, I realized I don’t know how to make myself happy anymore.

10 Day Challenge.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

And I'll actually finish this one, hahahaha.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 1: Introduce Yourself.

Hihi, my name’s Tu-Tram H. Nguyen and this is gonna be super awkward. :) Haha, ‘cause for me (and I think alot of other people) writing about yourself is always super hard. ‘cause you don’t know whether you’re overplaying something about yourself, or downgrading it haha. And you end up either superr egotistical, boring, or pathetic/self-pitying haha. BUT, it’s all good, haha. I’ll try my best, although I’m not the most articulate person right now. :)

But anyways, like I said earlier my name’s Tu-Tram. Annnd I have about 2348320943 nicknames. Hm, I currently reside in SoCal but I was born in Vietnam and raised in LA. I’m currently registered to attend PCC in the Fall instead of Cal Poly SLO due to our lovely recession, but hey. An education’s still an education regardless of where it is right? Who gives a fuckk about reputation after you graduate and move on right?! Hahaha, SMD ! And anyways, its about what you take in, not where you go. -shrugs- But yess, I’m planning on majoring in Psychology or Business/Criminal Law, and then after I’m done at PCC, transfer to UCLA/SB/SD ! Andd then maybe take the LSAT after I’m done with my undergrads? haha, we’ll see how that turns out I guess. But mm, my ultimate dream job would be opening up a small cafe/bakery. :] Cause I honestly love cooking, specifically baking. For me, it’s just so enjoyable when I’m able to for example, bake some brownies, andd have all my friends love it. :) It’s nice seeing someone enjoy something YOU made yourself with your own hands, time, and effort you know? And secondly, it’s also cause I lovee love love food hehe. I mean, who doesn’t? Honestly, sometimes the highlights of my days are just me cooking breakfast for my friends, or dinner for my family. And then being able to enjoy it afterward, haha.

Yepyep, annd what else .. Oh yeah. Haha, and besides cooking, I’m a huge audiophile. Music is huge to me annd I’m pretty sure it is to everyone else but -shrugs- haha. I can’t remember how many times I got in trouble during middle school for listening to my MP3 (cause we weren’t allowed to use phones/mp3’s) haha. But it was still worth it for me, every second of it heh. Not to sound cliche or anyway, but it really is food for the soul haha. Like I love hearing a song that reminds me of my life, or just evoke a certain emotion within me and whatnot. I love being able to listen to a song, and be able to understand the artist’s message and really just let it flow through me. Hahaha, cause I’m sure we’ve all heard songs that literally caused us to just get goosebumps and shiver right? I love that feeling haha. Mm and yeah. I listen(ed) to just about every genre there is. Indie, alternative, rap, hiphop, jazz, classical, and hell even metal, although that didn’t last very long. LOL. But I’m usually open to every type of music. :) And anyways, I think genre’s are just sorta like .. a physical thing you know? Haha, it’s not really necessary. Cause once you strip it of its genre/classification, it’s still just music and that’s all that matters.

But yeah, I don’t know what else to say. Haha, I’m a pretty boring/simple person. -shrugs- I really am a lowkey/laidback kinda girl. Doesn’t take much to make me happy. Whether it’s simply just walking around the park with a friend or going to a party, I’ll still enjoy my time regardless haha. But in all honestly, I would choose the walk over a party anytime, hehe. There are literally days where I’ve spent with my friends sitting in each others’ car/roof/trunk watching the sunrise/set and just bumping some feel good jams and talking. And honestly, those were some of the best days of my life haha. I’m sure you guys can relate. :) And bumbumbum, not gonna lie, I tend to be superrrrr sarcastic sometimes, but you’ll live. Haha, if you can’t deal with sarcasm .. it just wasn’t meant to be then. I’m sorry. ): Heh, and I’m super realistic haha. Don’t ask me to make wishes at 11:11 and all that shit haha. Annd hmm, not gonna lie. I do tend to judge people -shrugs- who honestly doesn’t? But it doesn’t matter, cause IT doesn’t matter. It’s just a way for me to sorta figure you out, and maybe I’m wrong maybe I’m right. But who gives a fuck? You’re your own person and I’ll still accept you for who YOU are regardless. Cause I could care less what you do, as long as I know you’re genuinely a good soul with your head set straight, then that’s all that matters to me. :)

Soooo yeah! I started ranting and wrote a bitttt more than I originally planned to but oh well haha. It’s been a while since I wrote anything so -shrugs- haha. But hey, if you read all that crap^, kudos to you. I’ll send you a cookie. :) Homemadee! :D Haahaha. It’s almost 2AM and soo I should head off. Adioss !